It is early summer as I am writing this. I have finished teaching for the year, completed a few other work-related obligations, and my time feels spacious and free. Most days in the summer I come into the office and work. I am not obligated to do any work, and because I am free to make other choices, I sometimes question myself about this habit of working most days through the summer. Why do I do it? Why don’t I just stay home, work on projects at home, visit with friends and family? Am I a workaholic? Do I think I am not valuable if I do not work? What lies behind my summer work habits?
I am not always accomplishing work that is easily measured and assessed. I write chapters and books that don’t get published. I read books I have already read or new books on subjects I have studied for years. Most of the time the work I do is not recognized by anyone outside the walls of my office and I find that when I socialize with people, I don’t have much to say because so much of my time is spent working on things that fascinate me and yet hold very little interest for others, work that is difficult to describe. And yet, I also know deep within myself, that this time is precious and valuable.
On July 4, 1952, Thomas Merton was assigned to be the monk who was the “fire man” for the monastery. Each night, one monk would stay awake all night moving to various stations throughout the monastery looking for anything that might lead to a fire. Merton’s time as the “fire man” led to one of his most celebrated essays, “Fire Watch.” As he explores the exterior world of the monastery, Merton takes the reader on a journey through the interior world of his monastic past and into the depths of his spiritual life. Toward the end of this essay, Merton directs a series of questions to God asking God if he remembers moments in Merton’s spiritual journey. Hearing no reply, Merton writes,
But there is greater comfort in the substance of silence than in the answer to a question. Eternity is in the present. Eternity is in the palm of the hand.
Thomas Merton
Merton suggests, we may never know the answers to questions we ask God. Not knowing is a path in itself. It awakens us to the present, to the moment we are living. We are asked to simply walk the path of now and stay alert and awake in the present.
In an article on finding wisdom, spiritual writer Douglas Burton-Christie writes,
When searching for the holy, it is important to realize how small you are in relation to God. Instead of searching for the end, it is wise to stay on the path and seek the holy in a humble way.
Douglas Burton-Christie
I think that is what I am doing when I keep my schedule, come into the office, read, write, and pay attention. I think I am searching in my own humble way for God. I am learning to listen carefully for God. I hear God best when I am alone at work and that is my attraction to work. It is not a fear that I will miss out or not accomplish what I need to that keeps me coming to work in the summer. It is that in the work I hear something that leads me toward a deeper relationship with myself, with others, and with God. In restful summer hours, I can hold my work kindly and gently, indulging in spacious playfulness as I work. I can listen carefully for God’s deep love speaking way down deep in the center of my soul. I can glimpse eternity in soft brushstrokes passing lightly across the palm of my hand
